Dealing with Loss
by David Baum

At a very moving event honoring the tragic passing of the bachur Yehoshua Finkelstein a”h, the Rebbe of Nikolsberg delivered words of support and encouragement to the family and friends of the young niftar.

The shloshim seudah was held on March 29th, Sunday of Parsha Tzav on the premises of Bais Medrash Ateres Yeshaya of Lakewood where the renowned Harav Simcha Bunim Cohen is Rav. It was attended by the bachur’s family and tens of his friends, young bachurim who came in search of comfort and meaning in the face of their tragic loss.

The Moro D’asro, Harav Simcha Bunim Cohen shlit”a, opened the event by asking everyone present to make a resolution that will serve as a zechus for the neshama of the niftar. He recommended that each person present be mekabayl on themselves to say Modeh Ani each morning with kavana. This serves as positive note of avodas Hashem with which to begin the day and can provide direction to everything one does in the course of that day.

The Rebbe of Nikolsberg was then introduced to address the assemblage. His words, delivered in English, kept all his listeners riveted for half an hour, as he covered the topics of loss of a neshama, the uniqueness of every Jew and facing society’s scourges in light of the Torah’s attitudes.

He began by saying that the bachur Yehoshua a”h lives on, the proof being that because of him people gathered at a Bais Medrash to hear words of chizuk and be inspired to improve themselves. He quoted the words of Chazal (Shabbos 153a), that at a hesped “hasam kaim’na,” the niftar is present, listening to what people have to say about him.

The Rebbe shlit”a addressed the tremendous pain of the niftar’s parents and friends, using the words of Reuvein who, on discovering Yosef’s disappearance, asked “Ana ani va—where will I turn?” to which Rashi adds “mitza’aro shel avi—from my father’s pain.” The Rebbe shlit”a explained that no one can fathom the deep feeling of loss that Yehoshua’s parents suffer each day and night—no one, that is, except the Shechina itself. The Mishna tells us (Sanhedrin 6,5) that when a person suffers in this world the Shechina says “kalani meroshi, kalani mez’roi—my head hurts, my arm hurts.” The Shechina shares the pain when humans suffer.

Speaking directly to the many bachurim present, the Rebbe shlit”a went on to discuss a growing problem among some elements of the yeshiva world: the misuse of certain dangerous substances. The Rebbe shlit”a compared the passing of a single bachur to the Holocaust of six million. And that Holocaust is still going on today, he pointed out. He was speaking of the many bachurim who dabble with such substances because of the attraction of feeling daring and “cool.” Unfortunately, they then find themselves caught in the trap of gashmiyus and olam hazeh, being drawn in further and further. When their behavior and performance falls short of expectations, such bachurim may find themselves suspended from their yeshiva and separated from their friends. And from there, matters continue to spiral out of control, going from bad to worse.

The Rebbe shlit”a discussed the three bachurim who are suffering from confinement in Japan because of other Jews who were involved in the illegal drug trade. These bachurim are crying daily, asking “me’ayin yavo ezri—from where will my help come?” And although many people are lobbying on their behalf, no one has the power to save them. Similarly, those bachurim who find themselves ensnared in the trap of gashmiyus cry out to us to save them, but it is difficult to help.

Noting the tendency on the part of others to treat such lost bachurim with contempt, the Rebbe shlit”a made it clear that this is not the true Torah approach. Every Jew possesses a precious neshama that must be respected no matter where that person finds himself. We cannot deign to judge them; who can say how they would like had they faced the same temptation? These unfortunate souls deserve our pity, and must not be made to feel rejected or alienated by Klal Yisroel.

As a limud zechus on the harsh stance the community and yeshivos have taken towards these teenagers, the Rebbe shlit”a compared their situation to that of patients quarantined in a special treatment ward of a hospital. Even the parents may be forcefully separated from their sick child when the threat of contamination is present. Similarly, the community may hold such people at arm’s length to avoid being drawn into the same trap. Still, the Rebbe shlit”a insisted, this approach should not be viewed as a rejection of Yiddish neshamos.

Finally, the Rebbe shlit”a spoke about the tremendous loss to the individual and his community when a teenager allows himself to be drawn into such behaviors, preventing him from developing himself and reaching his full potential in life. The Rebbe shlit”a pointed out that each bachur has a purpose and must not cop out from his role in life. He repeated the words of Moshe who said “sh’lach na b’yad tishlach—send with the one who you will send,” meaning that each and every one of us has a shlichus for which he has been sent down to this world. In conclusion he shared his blessing that everyone succeed in accomplishing their shlichus in this world.